Staring blankly at her laptop screen, feeling the smooth chilly breeze passing through her body, Angie found herself lost in her thoughts. What’s new, you’d probably think. She has been lost in her thoughts ever since you started reading about her in this blog. She has been thinking, pondering and over-thinking for as long as you have been following her “adventures.” You’re probably wondering what deep unknown thoughts she would share with you in this post or what troubles she got herself into…
Well… She was just thinking about writing a story with all its components, i.e the 5 basic components: setting, characters, an event to start things rolling (like a problem, a conflict, a sudden realization by a character), development and climax, and an ending. The kind of stories people are usually used to. The kind of exercises people usually expect, understand, follow and thrive with. Nothing unusual in other words… But how would she write about usual things when all she ever thinks about is unusual things? How would she write about material mundane things when her thoughts had always been about abstract spiritual matters?
Her ideas about several things and several topics were dancing in her head. The voices in her mind were arguing, talking, fighting and voicing their concerns about everything and nothing, at the same time. It was like a huge playground with hundreds of children running, playing and talking… Everything was chaotic even the discomfort in her stomach and the sudden pain in her shoulders.
She turned on the TV, hoping she would silence, or at least quiet, the voices and noises in her own head. They seemed to calm down at first, but shortly, losing interest in the program on TV, they started arguing again, louder than ever.
You’d probably wonder: Why on earth is this girl always lost in her thoughts? Why does she have to endure all those voices in her head? Doesn’t she work? Doesn’t she have anything else to do except thinking and listening to her thoughts? You are probably screaming out loud: why those posts never get any other characters, conflicts, plots, development or climax? You’d probably think that it must be lonely to be lost in one own thoughts. But I can assure you, it isn’t. You see, she had been trying to calm the voices down; she managed to calm them down for some time. She even managed to get them to like each other, to stop arguing and fighting. She managed to get them to say nice positive words to each other and to constantly repeat to each other how wonderful they are and how amazing it is to be grateful, loveable, calm, resilient, smart, reliable, thankful,… She found out that the more they liked each other, the happier she became, and she liked that.
She was once told, or maybe she read somewhere, that the only person she will always be around with, was herself. She was incredulous at the beginning when she heard that thought for the first time, but after pondering about it for some time, she started to believe it. After a while, she started implementing this thought and she found out, after being around herself for some time, that she didn’t like herself, in fact, she loathed herself. She would imagine two poles in her own self: one positive pole and one negative pole, or one white pole and one black pole, or one creative pole and one rational pole,… She would imagine each pole pulling in one opposite direction and she would feel that the result was self-sabotage.
At times, she would hate herself so much that she would struggle almost daily to wake up, get out of bed, shower, get changed and go to work. She would make herself walk to work, perform daily routines, sit at her desk for long hours, read, edit, proofread, read again, spot mistakes, arrange commas and dots, format a document and perform other tasks… She would look at the shelves in front of her, and watch the hours pass by. She would try to take a break only to force herself to return to her office, sit, work, stop the never-ending inner dialogue, end a day and walk back home. She would turn auto mode on, for the sake of keeping herself together. She would try to smile when everything in her wanted to scream out loud and fleet everything including that unknown gloom, that unclear deep stagnation, that so-called security, and that ambiguous stability…
She started liking herself after that. She started listening to herself, loving herself and cherishing herself. And guess what, when she liked herself, she moved out of that place: she resigned. Please note that by “loving herself” she never turned out to be one of those selfish people who only love themselves. I mean by “loving herself” that she started to like herself, listen to herself and stay away from everything that drained her, depleted her, or made her feel uncomfortable.
She travelled as soon as she left her job. She went to one of those calm, relaxing places where she spent time… with herself. She took a long break, and tried to see things from a different perspective. Guess what, her relationship with herself, the world and everything else, changed… for the better. She would smile for no reason; hang around calm nice people… She would travel around for the sake of exploring, travelling, taking photos and daydreaming… She would sit for a few hours daily to write, sometimes just fleeting thoughts that she never read afterwards.
Thank you for reading.