“I guess we all have those days when we can’t go beyond the first few sentences. I am sure we all have moments when we can’t stand looking at the white page in front of us. Perhaps we all feel lost and disconnected sometimes. Don’t you think that we all want to be productive, assertive and effective? I am sure we all do, but we can’t always be like that. You see there are ups and downs in a life, how do you think your life would be if you only had ups without any downs? Would you know how to enjoy your ups if you didn’t have your downs?” These were the thoughts that were passing through Angie’s mind at the moment she walked out of her office.
Lately Angie has been feeling totally disconnected. And by disconnected, I mean that she hadn’t been able to strike the most trivial conversation with anyone. She would drag herself to work, and back home. She would make efforts to eat or sleep or shower, only to realize that she hadn’t been feeling any pleasure in doing any of these tasks. She would sit at her computer trying to think or to write or to take care of certain pending matters, only to realize that she didn’t manage to get anything done.
– “Could I be suffering from depression? of just sadness? or is it another bad day? a bad week maybe? or a bad month? It could be a bad season? or let’s say a bad year?
* Come on Angie – the voice in Angie’s head started mumbling again- you could be passing through a bad period, but I am sure that nothing can be totally bad. You’ve learned quite a few good things, didn’t you? You are healthy, aren’t you? You have a job, don’t you? You are surrounded by good people who respect you and treat you well, right? You have everything you can dream of, right? So what is wrong? Why are you perceiving things from this obstructed angle?
– I feel that I am settling for much less that I have ever wanted. I am fulfilling the dreams that others had for themselves and that they projected on me. I sometimes have problems convincing myself to go to the office or performing certain tasks. I feel that I have no voice, no opinion whatsoever. I feel that I am repeating almost the same day everyday. I know that you would argue that every moment is unique, but I can’t help but feel disconnected.
The thoughts in Angie’s mind went on and on for a few hours.
Thank you for reading.
(By Zeina Gabriel)