Looking at her virtual window, she thought to herself that nothing is really worth worrying about or thinking about or stressing about. She knew that she will be replaced in this office. She knew that no matter how good she was, after a while, it wouldn’t matter to anyone what she used to do or how accurate her work used to be. She knew that people will only remember very little of her presence or her existence among them, because this is how life is. She also knew that for the people she currently works with, she is no more than a person who can get the job done.
Yesterday morning on her way to work, she was happy. You know, the kind of feeling you have when you hear something nice or feel loved or cared for. Or when you simply move from one block in your life to another one, when you go above a limit that you thought was impossible to reach. She had a smile on her face and there were a music in her head that kept playing over and over and over again. She wanted the music to last. But she knew that even this music won’t last, like almost everything else in life.
She knew that she was going up on a nice cloud and she also knew that she will soon go back to the firm cold earth. The only thing she was hoping for, was that she wouldn’t have to fall directly and harshly to the ground like it had happened many times before. She thought that she knew over the last couple of months to land smoothly but she also knew that it is hard to predicte how nice the cloud would be or how harsh the firm ground would also be.
She looked at the desk calendar lying on her desk and counted the days left for her to finally leave this office for good. 4 more days, 4 she repeated. 4. Just 4 more working days before she moves to her new position.
So why isn’t she excited about it? Why isn’t she feeling happy to leave? Why isn’t she feeling reliefed of those tasks that she never liked or enjoyed doing? What is happening Angie?
Yesterday one of her professors wanted to know the secret behind her smile. He wanted to know why she was so happy. She tried to find words to explain to him slowly what was happening to her. But she knew that he wouldn’t understand. She knew that long time ago when she tried many times to explain to that old man about happiness, inner conflicts and inner peace. He never seemed to grasp anything she said. When one day, she was having one of her inner conflict and she had a real bad time dragging herself to work, she tried to tell him that she was having an inner conflict. But he didn’t understand, he looked at her as you and I would look at a fool and he simply walked away. A week ago, when she was having one of “down” moments ( you know when you are falling and nothing – and of course nobody- seems to care whether you are happy or sad or alive or dead), he gave her a lecture on how she should be grateful and happy for the work she has. And he reprimanded her when she told him that she would really give the Beautiful University of Heaven (BUH) a second chance and that she would give her best in this new position she was about to get, I guess he reprimanded her for saying : “if it works fine, if it doesn’t, I will simply leave BUH”. He told her that she shouldn’t leave without finding another better job and he repeated and reiterated the importance of having a job and of keeping a job. And of course, he repeated to her that she wouldn’t find anything better than this job, those people and this department.
How she wanted to scream at him and at some other professor who believed ( and dared to believe) that they are the best. How do they know that? They don’t know, they assume. She knew that if she really wants something, she would get it, because this is how life is. But for now, she will need to stick to what she has, until she finds out what she wants.
( Best of luck Angie …)
( By Zeina Gabriel)